Do you want to know how much sleep I got last night? No really...17minutes. Everytime I closed my eyes all I could see or think about was Chris. I spent the whole night just playing and replaying all these fucking memories of her. The way she smiled at me the first time we met. When she used to spend the night in my bed with me when we were just friends she always acted somewhat shy and I always thought it was so funny since normally shes so upfront. The night before the Les Mis after party she and I went out to dinner and we talked and I asked her if she liked anyone at the theater and she said she did. So I spent the rest of dinner trying to get her to tell me but she refused.And I kept insisting if she just TOLD me I could probably go talk to him and see if he liked her as well and she could actually have a REAL relationship with someone that wonapos;t treat her like dirt and she just kept turning more and more red and refused to say anything. Of course that was also the last night I was dating Emily...Then the next night at the Les Mis afterparty when I sat next to her on the couch and she was so rediculously drunk and she leaned over and asked if i remembered the conversation from yesterday and if I still wanted to know who it was. Then she kissed me...On her birthday when she still thought i was in France and we were Iming and I kept asking her if I showed up if she would kiss me again. And the look on her face when she saw me. Even better when she showed up at my appartment in France after fighting with Raoul...Then we got to have our first date. I know she was atleast somewhat nervous the whole time but it was wonderful none the less plus we got to share our first real kiss since she agreed to go out with me. The first time we made love. One night we were laying in bed together just talking and all of a sudden Chris got really quiet and when I asked her if something was wrong she looked me in the eyes and told me she loved me. That was the first time sheapos;d ever said it and I know it was hard for her for some reason. I think she was afraid Iapos;d laugh at her or something...even though Iapos;d been telling her I loved her since our first date. Her laugh. The way she stretches when she wakes up in the morning. Every little thing she does every single day. The way she looked holding her nephew for the first time...It sounds strange and cheesey but I kept thinking that someday sheapos;d be holding our own child like that. She refuses to cry infront of people normally but the second she and I were alone sheapos;d throw her arms around my neck and just let it out. Her and Sushi...When I asked her to marry me and she said yes...Trust me...I can go on. I canapos;t stop thinking about her. And it hurts...because I donapos;t know if itapos;s going to work out this time. Yesterday when she and Peter came out on stage screaming at eachother. The parts that I understood hurt me. Not even what she was saying...Peter too. It hurt when I heard/understood what he called her because I know it hurt her too. And I wanted her to turn around and just throw her arms around me and tell me she loves me and sheapos;s sorry for being crazy and still wants to marry me...I noticed she was still wearing the ring around her neck and that made me feel better...Then she ripped it off and threw at Peters head and when she turned around and looked at me I didnapos;t see anything that hinted at regretting the action. Even so i just wanted her to say something...anything that would let me know she doesnapos;t want this to end but she said nothing to me. Nothing at all. She just grabbed her backpack and left.
I feel sick. I canapos;t stand the way she acts sometimes. The way we fight. The way she just goes crazy...and I know she has problems with relationships but I thought we were beyond that. I thought she loved me enought that she would realize itapos;s okay. I love her. Sheapos;s the most important thing in my life. Or atleast was...maybe thatapos;s changing now...Thatapos;s the worst part. Not knowing if itapos;s ending now or not. Mainly because i donapos;t even understand why. I love her. Last weekend she was telling me she loves me too. And now? I donapos;t understand what happend and she wonapos;t tell me. She wonapos;t even talk to me. I know the idea of getting married scares her. I know sheapos;s afraid that one day sheapos;s going to wake up and find that Iapos;ve changed my mind or Iapos;m cheating on her but Iapos;m not...I wonapos;t...I would never. Marriage is such a huge step in a relationship itapos;s perfectly normal to be scared. Iapos;m scared too but for me all the fear goes away when I think of spending the rest of my life with her....Maybe Iapos;m just not worth that much to her. Maybe her fear outweighs her love for me. Or maybe she doesnapos;t really love me at all....maybe she never did...I guess that must be true since she wonapos;t even give me 5 minutes to explain what went wrong. This isnapos;t normal. We didnapos;t fight. Everything was perfect. And then the next minute she tells me she doesnapos;t think she can marry me...what happened? I have the ring back now...and I donapos;t want it. Even if things are over I donapos;t want it. It cost me alot of money...I got to design it...and I did based on what I thought Chris would like. It would be horrible to sell it...but i can never give it to anyone else. Ever. This ring belongs to Chrisapos;s wether itapos;s meant as a promise of marriage or not. The part that adds to the pain the most is knowing that if it is over...Iapos;ve just lost my best friend. Even if she will talk to me again I know Iapos;ll never be able to look at her without remembering everything. Where will I go?
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